the waiting game - again

I’ve just got back from hospital after having some blood tests done in readiness for next week’s 3 monthly myeloma check-up.

You’d think I’d be used to all this by now.  After all I’ve been here countless times.

But I’m not used to it.  Every time is the same but different.  I run through the same series of emotions yes, and the same sometimes grim thoughts enter my head but it’s still somehow all fresh.  Like it’s the first time.  I guess that’s because I don’t want to become blasé or complacent about my situation.

I’ve written before that I’m not scared of my cancer coming back.  And that feeling remains.  There is a certain inevitability about it anyway which I fully accept, and as each check-up comes and goes I know that the likelihood of the next one being the time I’m told “it’s back” increases.  Statistically it has to, so…

No, I’m not scared of the cancer.  I just don’t like all the stuff that goes with it.  Like going into hospital.  The endless needles.  The biopsy.  The scans.  The going back and fore.  The catching of infections leading to prolonged stays.

So, as the anxiety builds up for next Tuesday’s visit to see my doctor I’ll be a bit edgy.  A bit grumpy and restless.  The not sleeping has already got worse as has the sensation of any new pain in my body which must be my cancer.  Right?  Well, probably wrong.

Probably.

Anyway, once more into the abyss…

time to think "nice" thoughts